Imperfect Motherhood

Motherhood — it ain’t easy.

No one said it would be. But the perception is that it should. From magazines to pinterest boards, society sells effortless mommy hood. I mean, women are inherently born with the nurturing gene, right? So when she pops out a baby, she should be good.

Wrong.

I spent my first two weeks of mommy hood bawling my eyes out. The pressure to breastfeed, the sleep deprivation, the hot sweats, the bodily pain of birthing (and in my case cutting) a human out of my body — it was all too much for my sanity. I broke down more than a couple times. I locked myself in the bathroom just to let it all out. And I grew increasingly resentful of childless women. (And men, too. I was super angry at D for having it “easy”.) Simply put, I fell into a deeper state of depression than I thought I would have.

Why? Because I thought I was doing everything wrong… I wasn’t feeding her enough. I wasn’t holding her enough. I wasn’t letting her sleep enough. I wasn’t clothing her right. I wasn’t eating well enough. I was just doing everything so imperfectly, I honestly thought I was ruining my child’s life. Crazy, right? Totally. But it didn’t stop me from thinking it were true.

It wasn’t until past the two week mark that I found my “let it be” attitude and decided to go with the flow. It took two weeks of my partner giving me daily praises and my mom repeatedly telling me that I was doing everything I could. They continued to tell me how awesome I was doing and slowly I accepted that as true.

Do I ever have my doubts? Yes. Each and every day. But when I look at my daughter and see how much she’s grown, how active she is, and how vocal she’s getting, I know I’m doing alright. I’ve accepted that motherhood is imperfect and that’s the reality.

To the new moms out there, I’m with you. You’re doing the best you can and that is all that matters. You are a boss — juggling your life and making sure you keep your kid alive and well is no small feat. Keep doing you, woman. It may take a village to raise a child but it also takes a village to help a new mom. I’m with you.

‘Til the next time.
– E